I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
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i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
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Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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