In the future we'll all be gay
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize