I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
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I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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