It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
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What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize