Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
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So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
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It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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