Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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