There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
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Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
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He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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