A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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