i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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