This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
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Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
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They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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