does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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