I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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