You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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