i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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