everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize