Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
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You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
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Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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