You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
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The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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