i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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