Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize