She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
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Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
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I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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