Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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