Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
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I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
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My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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