I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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