My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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