Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
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Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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