If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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