I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize