I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
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let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
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His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize