You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
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Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
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all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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