2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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