On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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