you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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