Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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