i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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