I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
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We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
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"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize