that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
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All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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