Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
