Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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