i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
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I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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