This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
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I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
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I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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