I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
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Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
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Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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