a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I need to align my fucking chakras
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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