You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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