the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
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