Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
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He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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