she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
