I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
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Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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