What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
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I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
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I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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