i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
please don't ironically join a cult
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