it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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