Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
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Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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